


What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Mutate

by Tien



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Gills, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 05:03:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6597823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tien/pseuds/Tien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I've been thinking a lot about some of the perks...<br/>What if some of them actually mutate your body when you get them?<br/>I mean, aquaboy lets you breathe underwater which is pretty cool.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Mutate

It all happened so fast. A raider ambush along the river caught all three of them by surprise. Normally it would have gone smoothly. Normally they could have handled it. Normally raiders aren’t packing enough explosives to detonate several city blocks.

Today was not a normal day.

“Take cover!” Nate yelled as the first volley of grenades flew through the sky. He ducked behind a row of rocks while Nick and Hancock took cover in a pathetically thin outcropping of trees. One after another the grenades went off sending dirt and rock through the air.

“Nick, can you see any of the bastards?” Hancock yelled, way too loud for how close they were.

The ghoul couldn’t see through the thick cloud of smoke and dust, but Nick could. “Yeah, give me a second,” he said and pointed in the direction of some of the raiders. Hancock shot where Nick pointed. He glanced over and saw Nate taking aim with VATS. Sometimes they were slightly jealous of the technology Vault Tech left behind. But now wasn’t the time, all three of them had to be alert.

After the second round of explosions Nate jumped over rocks and charged. Hancock followed right behind him before Nick could get a word of protest in. They were both too hot headed for the detective to control.

At close range the raiders wouldn’t risk using explosives. There’s no point in blowing up your opponent if you blow yourself up in the process. It was a solid idea, if not a bit risky. Hancock flanked them to the right and Nate to the left, leaving Nick to focus fire on the middle. Nick stayed back, providing cover fire and picking off the ones that strayed too far away.

Things seemed to be going well, but in battle things can turn in an instant. Hancock had just watched Nate ram the butt of his rifle into the face of a raider before the ground beneath him and the raider exploded. He heard a splash as Nate was flung into the river. “Nate!” He managed to shout before a raider slashed at his arm causing him to hiss in pain. The raider was soon cut down by Hancock’s own bigger, much more impressive knife.

Nick scrambled out from behind the trees to concentrate fire on the raiders that were left, there weren’t many. A few turned to flee but some expertly aimed shots ended that idea. When it was all over the two were left standing in a clearing of smoke, dust, and bodies. “Well, that’s one way to get the blood pumping,” Nick said.

“Or coolant in your case,” Hancock replied with a shaky laugh. “I thought we were done for back there. Good thing you’re more observant than both of us combined huh Nate?” There was no reply. “Nate?” Still no response. They turned to survey the area but didn’t see their friend anywhere. “Nick were you watching him after the explosion?”

“What? No,” he admitted. “I was too busy trying not to have my own leg blown clean off.”

Hancock looked towards the river. “He was thrown in…I thought, well I thought he was fine, I didn’t…” Panic started to edge its way into his voice. “Oh god,” his eyes didn’t see anybody near the shore. Nothing had crawled out. “He didn’t climb back out.”

The river wasn’t large, but the center contained a deep, fast moving channel. “He could have been swept down shore,” Nick said as they approached the bank.

“How long can a human go without air?”

“Between five and ten minutes. But it becomes hazardous at four, irreversible brain damage can occur at five. How long ago was he tossed in?”

“I don’t know, shit Nick I don’t know.”

“He could have been holding his breath for some of the time, it’s best to find him quickly; water in the lungs could do even more damage.” Nick was already shrugging off his coat. “I can’t stay in for too long, my skin lets too much water in. My internal systems are waterproof, but only to a point.”

“You’re a synth, what’s the problem?” Hancock said without thinking. “You’re repl-“ the words froze in his mouth but the intent had already escaped. “Nick I didn’t-“

“It’s ok, you’re worried about Nate.” But it wasn’t ok. They just didn’t have time to waste on it. His coat, undershirt, and pants where in a pile on the bank. Nick could swim, but he was heavy and he didn’t need his clothes adding extra weight. Hancock stripped beside him and dove in.

The water was cold and murky but neither of them had problems seeing. While Hancock’s eyes weren’t the best at seeing through dust, he excelled in low light levels. Most ghouls could see just fine in broad daylight, but his unique dark eyes were weakened in the sun but strong in near dark conditions. The shadowy waters proved to be no challenge for him. He searched the bottom of the river for any signs of Nate, but he couldn’t see anything before he had to surface for air. Nick was still down there and he took another lungful of oxygen and dove under again. The two of them searched frantically with Nick surfacing only to shake his head at Hancock and dive back in.

Nick widened the search area and moved downstream while Hancock stayed behind to keep looking in the original site. Though by now they both knew they weren’t looking for Nate, but his corpse.

Down river something caught Nick’s eye, it was Nate’s bag. He gripped it and pulled it free of the muck and wadded to shore. He didn’t like the way his sight was going fuzzy. “Hancock,” Nick called.

“Did you find him?” His voice was hopeful, but it was forced, they could both tell.

He shook his head and held up his bag. “No, I didn’t. But I got this.” Nick set the bag down by a tree and sat by the bank. “I can’t look anymore, I’m waterlogged. I found the bag downstream, if you want to keep the search going I’d suggest moving down there.”

“What…what happens if you were to keep looking?” Hancock stared out at the open expanse of water. The idea of searching the whole river alone was daunting.

“You’d have to carry two bodies back to Sanctuary instead of one,” he replied. “I wouldn’t be dead, but it gets bad. Dr. Amari has dried me out and restarted me a few times, but it’s not pleasant and it’s not guaranteed to work. I’d rather you don’t lose two close friends today.”

Hancock nodded and started swimming downstream. Nick followed on shore, he kept looking for any signs that their friend had managed to climb out and get someplace dry. He hoped they’d both hear him calling from the other bank or from an outcropping of rocks. Soaking but in one piece. Eventually the ghoul surfaced and growled in frustration. “I can’t find him Nick. I’m heading back, maybe we overlooked something.” Nick nodded and began picking his way back to where they started. He cleared out a spot to set up camp and began the process of setting up a tent and fire ring. He didn’t need to warm up, or sleep, but Hancock did. His synthetic body was mostly dry on the outside and he slipped on his pants and shirt.

It had been hours since they lost their friend to the current and Hancock was still out there searching. Every once in a while Nick would hear cursing and a splash of water as Hancock pounded the surface. When he came up for air Nick called to him. “Hancock, let’s call it quits for today.” The ghoul didn’t respond and dove under again. This time when he surfaced Nick was a bit more firm. “Hancock, enough.” When his friend didn’t turn or acknowledge him he said, “John. Get out of the water.” Hancock turned to glare at him but his anger was short lived. “Come on out and warm up. You’ve done your best.”

He walked on shaking legs to the fire and sat down. “Why couldn’t I find him Nick?”

“It’s not your fault.” He put a hand on his shoulder. “He might not even be in there; he could have been swept way down river and climbed out. He could be taking shelter somewhere and we wouldn’t even know.”

Hancock sighed and held his hands up to the warm fire. “That’s bullshit and we both know it.”

“Maybe,” Nick said.

“Maybe? There’s no maybe. He didn’t crawl out, he drowned. End of story.” When Nick nodded it seemed final. “We gotta…we gotta bring him home. He deserves that much, Sanctuary and the Minutemen deserve that much. His body should rest there. We gotta find him.”

“We will. Tomorrow we’ll resume the search. I’ll head way down stream and look. I should be dried out enough by then.”

Hancock gave a shallow laugh. “Ha, good thing about being a ghoul, nobody can tell when you get all gross and wrinkly.” He couldn’t make eye contact with Nick. “Sorry about… you know. I don’t think of you as replaceable. You’re Nick, the one and only.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I know what I am and I know that the stuff said in panic isn’t what the heart means. I’m Nick, the one and only, and I’m also Nick the robotic man. If I lose an arm you can just bolt another one back on, in theory.”

“I know, but…I called you replaceable, like you were some kind of placeholder. That ain’t right. And I’m sorry.”

Nick nodded and rested a hand on Hancock’s shoulder. “I accept your apology friend.” Nick could feel how cold Hancock had become from the hours in the water. He shrugged off his trench coat and placed it over the smaller man’s body. “I know my coat’s in tatters, but it’s less of a mess than yours. It should help you warm up.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled. His eyes never left the fire. Nick always found it oddly captivating the way the flames would reflect off of those black eyes.

“You should eat something. I know ghouls claim to be able to live off of background radiation but nothing beats a full stomach.”

Hancock shrugged. “Not really feeling it right now.” But he knew Nick was right. “Perhaps later?” He looked over at the bag sitting at the base of the tree. “What was in the bag? Anything survive?”

Nick handed it over to Hancock who started pawing through it. “Just the usual odds and ends.”

“The guy was a hoarder,” Hancock said, willing his voice not to crack. “Least we’ll have his junk pile to remember him by.” He pushed aside the various broken fuses and tubes of wonder glue and found what he was looking for. “Gotcha,” he said quietly and pulled out a metal chain. “Nate’s dog tags,” Hancock explained before Nick could ask. “He doesn’t wear them in the battle, said it was far too easy for an enemy to grab hold and make trouble.” Carefully he unclasped it and slid off a small gold band from his finger. Nick recognized it as the matching ring that Nate had given the ghoul months ago. It was a prewar tradition that Nate stubbornly held on to. He even tracked down someone with delicate metal working skills to reshape the band to fit Hancock’s slender fingers. Hancock put the ring on the chain and attached it around his neck. The cool, heavy, metal rested against his chest. An odd comfort that would never replace Nate’s warm hands, but it would have to do.

Hancock moved closer to Nick and leaned against his side. “You know,” he said. “I always figured he’d go out differently. Doing something stupid, like kicking a deathclaw, or spitting on a Brotherhood of Steel’s power armor. He was such a goddamn bleeding heart I figured he’d die helping someone. Not… not like this.”

“He was a kind soul, too kind for this world,” Nick agreed.

“I always knew…you know, being a ghoul, I’d outlive him. But damn, I thought I’d get more than a few months.” Nick wrapped an arm around his friend and held him closer. “Shit, Nick, what am I supposed to do now? “ One of his hands gripped Nick’s dress shirt while the other was closed tightly around the tags and ring. “He wasn’t-“ his voice finally gave out and he let out an anguished wail. “He wasn’t supposed to drown Nick! I was supposed to watch over him, I had his back, and now he’s gone!”

“It’s the price we pay for the world we live in.” And a hefty price it was, for the little they got out of the world. “It wasn’t your fault,” Nick said quietly. “You need to know that John. It wasn’t your fault. That bomb could have taken you, or me, or ten raiders. There’s nothing you can do about such things.”

Tears were still messily leaking from Hancock’s eyes, he didn’t bother wiping them away. “Knowing it ain’t my fault doesn’t ease the guilt any. Doesn’t bring him back.”

“Nothing will bring him back.”

“Yeah,” Hancock said softly. He was handling this better than he thought he would. Perhaps it was shock, perhaps reality hadn’t set in yet, or maybe this world had hardened him too much. Both of them had lost people who were important, Hancock more than Nick, but they both knew the pain. Loss after loss and the impact diminishes. You still feel it, like a bullet hole in your soul, and it can’t be mended. But you wake up, trudge on, and live another day. You deaden yourself to others, and only let a few in close. Because in the end, it’s easier to deal with being alone than it is to watch your heart get torn into pieces so tiny they could scatter in the wind.

Nate was supposed to be different. He was Hancock’s everything, the one man he knew completed him. They saw the world the same way, liked the same drinks, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. When he was with Nate he finally felt happy, for the first time since he was a small boy. When Nate died Hancock knew he’d be a wreck. He’d be crushed, defeated, a mess for weeks. It hadn’t happened now, only soft sobs and tears. But he knew he’d have the breakdown to deal with later. He just hoped someone was watching out for him. Chems don’t work the same way on ghouls as they do humans. It takes way more to feel anything. That just meant it was easier to slip under. Part of him hoped someone would be there to pull him up, but the other part… that part prayed he could drown in chems and join Nate.

“It’s not fair,” Hancock said, his mouth twitching in a grin he didn’t want. “It’s not fair that you can’t cry. Makes me look like the only sentimental one here.”

“Trust me, I’m crying, even if you can’t see it.” Nate was Nick’s friend too, one of the very few. Sure the detective had friendly clients that he had helped, and informants he relied on, but the pool of people that he could call “friend” was small. Losing Nate was a big blow to the synth. In times like these he almost wished he’d been programed without emotions. Sometimes, if the pain was great enough, he wished he hadn’t been made a prototype at all. Maybe life would be simpler as a gen two synth. The fallout from this incident would make him think about that wish all the harder. “You’re just shedding enough tears for the both of us.”

“Lazy robot.” Hancock pressed his face into Nick’s side. “I’m gonna miss him,” he mumbled.

“You’re gonna do more than miss him,” Nick said. “We both will.”

\---

There hadn’t been much time to think. One moment he was bringing the butt of his rifle down on some poor bastard’s face the next he was flying through the air, ears ringing from the sudden blast. Any disorientation was made worse when he hit the water and down became up and up turned to down. Instinctively he started kicking and his head broke the surface. He took in a few painful breaths of air mixed with water before he was pulled down again.

Today was not the day to wear heavy metal combat armor.

He started to sink to the bottom while his hands worked on undoing the straps around his chest piece. His fingers felt numb and they didn’t move as fast as he desperately needed them to. His legs struggled to kick through the tangle of weeds and muck and propel his heavy form back up to the surface. His face touched air one last time before the waves dragged him back under. His strength was quickly being sapped. They had spent all day on the road and the day before that he helped raise several walls on a new settlement building. Exhausted didn’t begin to cover it.

The river was pulling him swiftly downstream. He was far from the original place of their ambush. In the back of his mind he thought to turn on his Pip-Boy light. A dull green light illuminated a small portion of water around him. Enough so that he could see the straps holding his armor to his body. Again he struggled against the leather and succeeded in maneuvering the heavy chest plate over his head. Instant relief flooded over him as his body grew lighter.

He didn’t see it coming, the rock, it was much too dark and the Pip-Boy light didn’t push out far enough. Nate felt his head connect with the stone as he was swept past. A strangled gasp escaped his lips before he could stop it. He choked and that didn’t help anything either. He groped blindly for the surface but he never got any closer. His head pounded and the ringing in his ears hadn’t dissipated.

Internally he knew he was drowning. He just didn’t know what to make of that. This wasn’t the first time he’d be close to death. He remembered a moment during his tour of Alaska where his power armor had collapsed and trapped him. If it wasn’t for his companion he would have died from exposure. He’d lived through being shot, cut, stabbed, shot again, and that was all before he was frozen. This new world was far harsher. Nate always thought that if he could live through the constant background radiation he could live through anything. The continuous fighting never fazed him, after all, like he always said, “War never changes.” This was just another war.

But drowning? That wasn’t something he expected. He had given up on struggling and just let his body get carried away. The river wasn’t as swift anymore, and he bobbed along the bottom. Everything had gone quiet, besides the buzzing in his head. Any time someone talked about dying they always said their life would flash before their eyes. But Nate’s wasn’t. He was ok with that. Reliving a portion of his past through Dr. Amari and the Memory Den was enough for him; he couldn’t imagine having to watch everything.

Especially memories of his new friends. He fought desperately to think of anything besides them. The last thing he wanted to remember was their faces. By dying he’d let them all down, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to come to terms with that. In fact he hadn’t accomplished anything he had set out to do. He hadn’t found Shaun, the Minutemen hadn’t been restored to their former glory, there were still synths to be rescued and the pump at Abernanthy farm hadn’t been fixed.

He felt his body come to rest against something buried in the riverbed. It was a barrel. Briefly he thought that maybe this meant he was close to shore, but the water was too dark and cold. Nate could barely see the sun filtering in through the water. By now his lungs were in agony and let out the last of his held breath. This was it. His airways filled with water and he knew he was done for. He didn’t want to die, nobody wants to die, but he didn’t see a way out of this. Willing himself to live wouldn’t work this time.

Death was something he always knew would happen, he just didn’t think it’d hurt so much. The skin around his neck burned and itched and he clawed at it in a desperate attempt at relief. His other hand reached desperately for the sky, hoping that maybe somehow someone would reach down and lift him back up. The last thing he remembered before his vision faded out was the Geiger counter on his Pip-Boy going crazy.

The funny thing about dying is that you aren’t supposed to wake up again. It was very dark when Nate’s eyes opened. He was still underwater but he couldn’t see anything besides what the Pip-Boy illuminated. Two things confused him right away, the first was the fact that he woke up to his Pip-Boy light, he assumed when you died you didn’t get to take your possessions with you, the second thing was that he was underwater but he wasn’t choking.

He reached out and touched the little computer and was surprised when he felt the cold metal and glass. The dials all worked and it didn’t make sense. He should be dead, but yet here he is, awake and interacting with a solid object. He took an experimental breath and instantly regretted it. His lungs filled with water and pain shot up through his nerves. He coughed and didn’t inhale anymore water. The pain made it all the more real. He really wasn’t dead.

Somehow he was alive, underwater, and had been for hours. The Geiger counter on his Pip-Boy was still going crazy. This water was holding some serious rads. His neck burned and his body ached. He assumed that was a side effect of swallowing irradiated water and sitting in one place for so long. Gently he put his hand to his neck and recoiled when his fingers brushed against something that wasn’t skin. _Holy shit._ He reached up again and felt his neck. He had been fishing as a kid, and he knew what he was touching was not normal for a human. Humans don’t have gills.

Now that he was thinking about it, he could feel water move in and around his neck. _Holy fucking shit._ It was suddenly making a lot of sense. How he could be underwater and still be alive even though he wasn’t breathing. His Pip-Boy was still desperately trying to alert him about the dangerous radiation levels he was in. He leaned his head back against the barrel and tried not to groan. Hancock had told him how ghouls were created by prolonged exposure to extreme background radiation or created in a flash from sudden high level radiation dumps. He touched what he assumed to be his new gills again and reasoned that the high rads in the water must have been enough to mutate his body.

But why? That was his main question. He would question how, but that wouldn’t get him anywhere besides the generic “radiation does weird things” answer. Why did he mutate and not the multiple other poor souls he’d seen dead next to barrels in ponds? Why did some turn ghoul while he got gills? It didn’t make sense.

He pushed off the river bottom and was surprised at how easy it was to reach the surface. Nate assumed it was because he wasn’t in a panic and that his body had had a moment to rest while he was underwater. When his face felt air he took a breath out of instinct and everything burned. He coughed violently and slipped back under the waves where things didn’t hurt as much. Naturally he didn’t feel the need to breathe and let the air trapped in his lungs out. He swam to the shore and carefully hauled his body onto the rocky bank.

Everything still burned, but this time when he went into a coughing fit he didn’t have to worry about sinking back to the murky river bottom. His lungs felt like they were on fire and each breath was painful, but they were working. He was taking air in and exhaling and so far he hadn’t passed out. When he got the energy to sit up he did so, carefully, and examined his surroundings. It was night; his Pip-Boy said it was near midnight. The moon was full and bright and he could see relatively well. He was on a rocky shore, but he wasn’t sure just how far away he had been swept. There were no signs of Nick or Hancock and he had to wonder if they were still in the area or if they had left to spread the news of his passing.

He was curious, and that curiosity took him to the water’s edge where he leaned over and examined his neck. The details were hard to make out, but he could see many lines indicating the layers of gill slits that now ran from just under his jaw down to his collar bone. They flared out when he thought about opening them and slid shut when he was thought of that. His whole neck continued to burn, like he had a rash, but it didn’t itch. Gently he touched them again, feeling the surface with his fingers. They felt just the same as the rest of his skin. He could just make out small branching filaments on the underside of each slit. Nate thought his neck looked a bit red, but he couldn’t tell in the low light.

His legs were unsteady and shaky as his body adjusted to standing and walking. The first few steps were nothing more than a glorified stumble, but he caught himself and evened out. Nate had no clue how he was going to explain what happened and his mind was busy trying to piece together a story that made sense. He shivered and reached instinctively for his bag but found it missing. Vaguely he remembered it being pulled off of his body during the struggle with the current. It was going to be a cold, wet, lonely trek back to Sanctuary.

After a few minutes of stumbling through down the shore with only the light of the moon and his Pip-Boy to guide him he saw a campfire. He approached cautiously, aware that his favorite handgun was long gone and his rifle was ripped from his hands during the explosion. He turned off his light and crouched down low, sneaking closer into the camp. He’d been taking lessons on stealth from Deacon but he still traveled too heavily, his training as a soldier overrode his instinct to be silent. Being drenched, tired, and miserable didn’t help matters either. Finally he was close enough to tell that the group around the campfire were not friendly settlers or even a caravan, they were raiders.

_More raiders, just what I wanted._

He was about to back away and take a different path when a loud snap froze him in his tracks. His thick boots had crushed a long dead and brittle branch. “What was that?” One of the raiders said and stood up. Nate wanted to blend into the darkness around him but none of the clothes he was wearing shouted “stealth”. He hoped that they would just sit back down, but they didn’t. As he tried to creep backwards he heard a gunshot and knew he’d been spotted. In-between bursts of gunfire he made a run for it. Three more raiders stepped out from behind cover and stopped him.

“Shit,” Nate swore. He held his hands up in a useless show of defenselessness. Raiders didn’t care, they’d cut you up before you could utter a word in protest. The Raiders laughed and pushed him back into their makeshift camp. He could make out a few tents, but the actual body count was rather low, he quickly counted six people present.

“Look at this, a Pip-Boy,” One of the raiders lifted Nate’s arm up with a crowbar. “You a Vault Dweller?” Nate didn’t respond, just held his eyes steady. “Think he’s lost?”

“I don’t know,” another one said. “He’s wearing some nice armor, if he’s a Vault Dweller he’s a smarter one.”

“Not smart enough to avoid us though.”

A third voice joined the conversation. “Maybe he wasn’t avoiding us, he got pretty close before he blew his cover. Think he was trying to rob us?”

“One against six is pretty lousy odds,” someone else replied.

Nate grit his teeth, he was trying to think of a way out of this. “I wasn’t-“ he started but was interrupted.

“Holy shit, get a look at this!” The crowbar was raised to his neck then down to his chest as he was shoved closer to the fire, and light. “This guy’s some sort of freak!”

He went stiff and tense as the raiders ogled his appearance. He tried to keep his breathing level, but it was hard with so many eyes on him. The raiders took turns muttering to each other, their eyes growing wide when they saw the way Nate’s gills flared out. “Look at his clothes, the guy’s soaked!”

“Shit, first ghouls, then super mutants, now fish people? And I thought mirelurks were bad.”

“Maybe his mommy fucked a king and this is what popped out!” They started to laugh. Nate wasn’t so amused. “Either way, fish man or lurk man we’re gonna kill him.”

“Hold up,” one of the raiders said, this was a new voice, a more commanding voice. The raiders moved aside as a women dressed in heavy gunner armor stepped forward. She looked Nate up and down before reaching out and roughly touching his neck. Nate flinched as pain shot through his body. “Interesting, they appear to be very much real.” Nate shoved her arm away and she smirked. “Can you breathe underwater or are these purely cosmetic?”

“Why do you want to know?” He said, keeping his tone even.

“Because I’m trying to decide how many caps to charge for you, it’d be much more impressive to showcase you in a glass tank than just chained in a cage.”

Icy panic spread through his veins. There was no way he was going to let himself be a sideshow freak. There were only six of them, and they greatly underestimated his will to survive. That seemed to be a common wasteland theme, underestimating his will. Kellogg let him live, the first group of raiders he encountered saw his blue vault suit and laughed, and even nature itself didn’t think he’d survive. He proved to all of them that he was going to live, and he’d show these assholes the same thing.

He let the leader get closer again; she seemed really fascinated by him. She leaned in to get a better look which was what Nate was waiting for. While his guns were gone, he still had a decent sized hunting knife strapped to his belt. In one swift motion he unsheathed it, swung and felt it cut deep. “I’m nobody’s property,” he spat.

Quickly he yanked the leader’s gun free of its holster and fired three rapid shots, one into the leader’s skull, and two into the bodies of nearest raiders. Then he bolted for cover and activated VATS to take out the other three with swift headshots. The whole ordeal was over in moments. Most of the conflict Nate encountered in the wasteland was over in seconds. Long gunfights wasted time, ammo, and put you in more risk of getting injured. The quicker a fight ends the better off everyone is.

Nate was cautious as he searched the camp for other raiders who might have been out on patrol. He didn’t see any. He relieved the fallen raiders of anything useful, mostly ammo and some chems. Without his backpack he couldn’t take anything else, normally he would clean out a camp like this, let nothing go to waste, but tonight wasn’t the night for that.

In a first aid kit he found a coil of unused bandages and some medical tape. He sat by the fire and debated what to do next. Obviously he wanted to get back to Sanctuary and his friends as soon as possible, he couldn’t imagine how Hancock must be feeling. But as he raised his hand to his neck he had some sudden doubts. The raiders had wanted to capture him and use him as an attraction. He shuddered at the thought. Would the people of Sanctuary be the same? He didn’t think Preston would stand by and let that happen, but he knew how the people of the Commonwealth reacted to anything different than them.

The worst case scenario would be total rejection, and word would spread fast around the settlements he helped established. He was confident that Hancock would never think less of him, no matter what, but there was still fear. Nick wouldn’t abandon him, and if he was kicked out of his settlements he knew Goodneighbor would always have a place for him. But the idea of losing most of what he had built didn’t sit well with him.

He felt up his neck and flattened his gills along his neck. Hiding them would be best; he wouldn’t have to deal with any bad reactions if no one knew. The bandage roll was unraveled and gently he wrapped his neck from his collarbone to his jaw. He used the medical tape to secure it and make sure it didn’t slip. When he was back in Sanctuary he’d figure out a better way to hide his gills. He had scarves, jackets with tall collars, and masks. He could always use the wraps too and say he was injured.

After picking up an extra handgun off of a corpse he made his way back up the riverbank. It was still plenty dark and difficult to see but he didn’t encounter any other dangerous obstacles. Once more, off in the distance he saw another campfire. Logic told him to ignore this one and keep moving, but he was exhausted and if the camp turned out to be friendly he wouldn’t pass up the chance to rest a while.

Again he cautiously approached the camp, but he abandoned the crouch when he saw a familiar set of yellow eyes reading a book near the fire. It appeared as though Nick had indeed stayed behind, whether it was to search for his corpse or wait for his unlikely return he wasn’t sure. When he got closer he spotted another figure curled up next to Nick. This smaller man he knew was Hancock, even if he wasn’t wearing his typical red coat.

He didn’t want to startle Nick so he walked up on them slowly and didn’t try to hide his presence. Nick looked up when he heard the approaching footsteps and couldn’t hold back his surprise. “Hey,” Nate said, as casually as he could.

“Hey yourself,” Nick replied. “Am I looking at a ghost?” Nate shook his head.

Hancock stirred and looked up. His expression was puzzled and he quietly asked, “Am I dreaming? Are you seeing this?”

“Depends on what “this” is.”

“Is Nate standing there or have I gone off the deep end?”

“You aren’t seeing things,” Nate said. “I’m really here.”

He always knew that ghouls could move fast, faster than humans, the ferals proved as much many times over. But sometimes he forgot that Hancock was capable of the same speed. Before Nate could really brace himself Hancock was holding him tightly. “Holy shit,” he whispered, “you’re real. You’re here.”

“I am,” Nate hugged him back. “I’m here.”

Hancock’s face was pressed against Nate’s shoulder and he mumbled, “I thought you were dead.”

“I thought I was too, I really thought I was gone.”

“But you’re not.”

“I’m not.” The strength fled Hancock’s legs and Nate had to hold him up. He hobbled closer to the fire and sat down, Hancock stubbornly refused to let go and sat in his lap. Nate wasn’t too bothered.

Nick chuckled and said, “You gave us quite the scare kid, we searched all day and couldn’t find any trace of you.”

“All day?” Nate asked.

“Yeah,” Nick replied. “What the hell happened back there?”

He swallowed. “I don’t know, to be honest. I was thrown into the river and it was a blur.” He felt horrible lying straight to their faces, but he couldn’t tell them what had actually happened. “I uh, hit my head on a rock and the next thing I know I’m on the shore somewhere. I didn’t come to until it was already dark. Some raiders gave me a bit of trouble, but I made it out ok.”

“You’re wet,” Hancock grumbled.

“Well I did just crawl out of a river,” he said back. “If you’d let go I could change into something else.” He paused. “Wait, did my pack survive?”

“Sorta,” Nick said and retrieved the bag from where Hancock had left it. “Most of it is waterlogged and I didn’t see your change of clothes in there. I picked it up down shore.”

“Thanks.” Nate pawed through it and set it aside, most of its contents were trashed. He did take the opportunity to finally undo the straps for the remaining metal armor that clung to his legs and arms. He shivered when his skin was finally exposed to outside air.

“Do you want to borrow my shirt and pants?” Nick asked. “I don’t need to keep warm, unlike you two.”

Nate had noticed that Hancock was already wearing the long trench coat. “I’ll be fine, thank you though, Nick.” He knew the synth didn’t like stripping, his body wasn’t like the gen three synths, his was mostly gen two and it bothered him, even if he said it didn’t. Nate knew better. He’d heard Nick refer to himself as a glorified mannequin before and he’d do anything to not make him uncomfortable.

“I’ll keep ya’ warm,” Hancock said.

“Uh, huh, because your boney ass just radiates heat.” He could feel Hancock laugh and settle in against his chest. Nate held his hands out to the fire.

“You’re hurt,” Hancock said and reached up to touch the bandages around Nate’s neck.

Nate flinched and pulled back. “Yeah, I got banged up a bit, in the river. Stole some supplies from the raiders I ran into.”

Nick’s eyes flashed to his neck. “You ok? Should I take a look at it?”

“No, I’m ok. I’ll clean it up better in Sanctuary. It’s not bad.”

“You sure?” His voice betrayed his worry. “Neck injuries aren’t something to scoff at, especially if they get infected.

“I took a stimpak and some med-X. I should be fine.” He hadn’t taken either of those and boy would he regret that tomorrow morning. He could already feel the stiffness creep up through his body.

“Really?” Hancock didn’t sound convinced. “You took a chem?”

“Med-X hardly counts; it’s more medical than anything.”

“Must have been some bump on your head to make you even think about it.”

Nate laughed softly. “Well, it did knock me out for a good few hours. Hurts like hell even now.”

“Concussion?” Nick asked.

“I don’t know, probably not. Is there anything to eat?” He changed the topic off of himself and onto something else. “I’m starving.” And that was true, his stomach felt like it was tying itself in knots from hunger.

Nick stood up and walked to a different pack and rummaged through it. “We have some pre-war food or some dried radstag. Your choice.”

Nate groaned and said, “I’d rather not deal with anymore rads tonight, toss me the pack of jerky.”

The package was handed over and Nate eagerly dug in. Spices were limited so everything was a bit bland, but he argued that he made a damn good batch of jerky. He debated starting up a restaurant or small store front when thing quieted down, if things quieted down.

“Hey,” Nick said sitting back down, “make Hancock eat some of that. He hasn’t yet.”

“Really?” Nate said. “You love food, what gives?”

“Sorry,” he almost growled but he caught himself. “I was sorta in the middle of mourning the loss of the only person I fucking care about.”

“Oh,” he said quietly. “Well, I’m not gone, so you don’t need to grieve which means you can eat this strip of meat.” When Hancock didn’t take it he added, “You need to eat something; we still have a long walk back to Sanctuary tomorrow.”

“I’ll just go off of the background radiation,” he replied.

“No you won’t, ghoul or not you’re getting actual calories tonight.”

“Do you want me to throw up on you?” Hancock said a bit harshly. “My gut feels like it’s doing cartwheels in there, I don’t know how to feel. It’s like… I’m anxious and terrified that this is just some fever dream and I’m going to wake up without you.”

Nate set the package of meat down to pull the ghoul in tightly. “I’m so sorry,” he said into Hancock’s neck. “It’s real, I promise.”

He didn’t say anything else, just drew a few shaky breaths and nodded. Hancock adjusted himself so that he could lean against Nate’s chest and close his eyes. One hand he kept firmly in Nate’s.

“I’ll make sure he eats something when we get up in the morning,” Nate said. He wasn’t sure if Hancock was even awake anymore, his breathing had become very steady and his head was tilted forward. Nate couldn’t hold back a smile when he gently lifted the hand that was captured by Hancock’s. “Think I’ll get this back anytime soon?”

Nick laughed quietly. “You’ll be lucky if you have any personal space for the next few days, he’s going to be stuck on you like Wonderglue.” He passed Nate a can of purified water and said a bit more seriously. “He searched all day for your body, you know.”

“God…”

“If I hadn’t been here I doubt he would have ever gotten out. He was determined to find you and bring you back to Sanctuary.”

Nate rested his chin on Hancock’s head. “What the hell did I do to deserve you two? To deserve him?”

“I think we both ask ourselves the very same question about you.” Nick stood up again and threw the extra bedroll at Nate. “Yours got lost in the river, but we still have his and mine. When you finish up with your meal you should get some shut eye. No doubt you’re just as exhausted as he is.”

Nate nodded and drained the rest of the water before carefully unrolling the sleeping mat and setting Hancock down on it. He was still a little damp, but the fire was warm, and Nick would keep it going all night. Wearily he lay down beside Hancock and slipped an arm over him to pull him close. “Hey, night Nick.”

“Night kiddo.”

The pain woke him up. Once more his whole neck felt like it was on fire. He groaned and sat up, one hand rubbing the sleep from his eyes, the other was pressing against the bandages that covered his gills. It was barely dawn with the sun peaking over the horizon just enough to bathe the world in dim light. Nick looked over at him but didn’t say anything. Hancock had shifted in his sleep and had both arms wrapped around his torso. How the ghoul’s arms didn’t fall asleep like that he’d never know.

“Morning,” Nate said wearily. His voice was raspy and his throat dry. “Could you toss me some water? Purified would be great, but if we don’t have any than dirty will do.”

Nick handed him a small can and asked, “Something bothering you? You’re never up this early.”

He wanted to keep lying, but this was one he knew his friend would see through. “Yeah, just some aches and pains. Mostly around my neck and back, probably from hitting those damn rocks in the river yesterday.”

“Need anything for it? Should I take a look?”

“Do we have any stimpaks? A half a one would do wonders for my back and shoulders. And no, I don’t think you need to take a look, least not now.” He saw Nick frown but he turned away to rummage through his bag. When he passed him the stimpak Nate said, “Don’t worry, I’ll have Curie take a look when we get back to Sanctuary. She’d know more than any of us combined.”

“That’s true, just don’t over exert yourself today, you nearly drowned.”

He nodded. It would be hard not to go right back to helping people the moment they passed the entrance gate, but he’d manage. A few lazy days might do him wonders. “When should we head out?”

“Well first we should make sure everyone’s conscious.” Nick grabbed one of the old frying pans Nate had found and set it on a makeshift grate over the fire. “I think the smell of food should wake him up.”

“Always does,” Nate chuckled.

“While you two were sleeping I went out and found a Mirelurk nest, you up for an omelet?”

He licked his lips and said, “You bet. Who was carrying the food?”

“I was,” Nick replied.

“Good, hand me the bag, I’ll start chopping up tatos and radstag.” He pulled a separate little pot out and filled it with water to rehydrate the meat a touch before they added it to the egg. Hancock never had a problem chewing through the tough meat, but Nate didn’t share his slightly sharper teeth.

The first omelet was nearly done by the time they heard a familiar groan and sigh. “Morning already? The sun ain’t even out. Go back to bed,” Hancock grumbled and pulled Nate down back into the sleeping bag.

“The sun is up, and breakfast is ready,” Nate said with a smile. “Come on, Nick made you an omelet.”

He groaned again and shut his eyes before mumbling, “Fine, fine you win.” They sat up together and Hancock leaned on Nate, still drowsy. “Why are we up with the sun again?”

“Nate woke up, don’t look at me,” Nick said as he handed Hancock a tattered plate. “It’s probably a good thing his back ached; we’ll reach Sanctuary good and early now.”

Hancock froze, his fork hovering just short of his mouth. “You alright? How you feeling?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry. Just sore from yesterday’s adventure. Nothing a stimpak couldn’t fix.” He nudged Hancock gently with his elbow. “You act like I’ve never been hurt before. I’ve been worse shape than this.”

“Yeah but…”

“No buts, stop worrying. I’m fine.”

Nick changed the subject by asking, “How’s the food?”

“You know, for a robot you cook amazingly well,” Hancock said shoveling the egg into his mouth. His aversion to food to seemed to be gone for the moment.

“I still have some old memories to rely on,” he said. “They didn’t give me taste buds but I guess you never truly forget how to make somethings.”

“It’s odd,” Nate said while taking his own plate. “They gave you smell, but not taste. Those two senses are closely related,” he explained. “So it’s strange they bothered with one and left out the other.”

“Maybe they figured since I wouldn’t be eating, I wouldn’t be needing taste. But I guess we’ll never know.”

Nate laughed. “If we ever get close enough to the Institute I’ll be sure to shake down a scientist or two.”

“Ask ‘em what they were thinking putting an old detective into a robot while you’re at it. I’d really like to know the logistics of that one.”

“How much you want to bet they just grabbed the first set of memories they had on file?” Nate said between bites. “Doesn’t matter though, not really. You’re you and how you got to be you isn’t all that important. One good thing,” he smiled, “is that we can talk prewar sometimes.”

“Oh yeah, that’s just wonderful,” Hancock grumbled. “You and Nick can chat for hours about the good old days, just like you do with Daisy, Kent, Holly, that Vault Tech guy-“

“Anthony,” Nate said. “His name is Anthony.”

“Whatever, the point is, you go on and on about shit I can’t talk about.”

Nate laughed and elbowed him again. “You jealous Hancock? Sad you aren’t an old ghoul like the others?”

“No! I just…shit, I like to be included alright?”

“Ah yes,” Nick said with a balance snark, amusement and good nature, that only Nick seemed capable of. “The world started revolving around the great John Hancock after the bombs dropped, didn’t you get the memo Nate?”

“Oh fuck you,” Hancock growled.

“Now you know how I feel sometimes,” Nate said. “I’m literally…how did they phrase it? A man out of time? All this was foreign to me for months. I’m still playing catchup.”

“Being a two hundred year old popsicle will do that to you,” Nick said with a chuckle.

“Sorry,” Hancock said. “I guess sometimes you seem like you were born here, without that blue jumpsuit it’s hard to tell you were Vault Dweller once upon a time.” Nate squeezed his hand to let him know it was ok and all in good fun. “By the way,” the ghoul asked, “what’s a popsicle?”

\---

They arrived in Sanctuary in the late morning. Nothing interesting had happened during the long trek, which everyone was thankful for. The sight of the long familiar bridge was a relief to everyone. “Home sweet home,” Nate said.

“Eh, could use a bit more excitement,” Hancock said.

Nate waved up at the guards posted in the guard towers on either side of the big settlement gate. “Hey! Joe, Erica! Mind letting us in?”

“You guys are back early, everything go ok?” Joe called back down.

“A few bumps here and there, nothing serious.” The large gates swung open and Nate could hear the reassuring rumble of the turret engines on the other side. They had begun construction on a tall perimeter fence but it was slow going. Scrap wood was desperately needed to rebuild the houses and add additions to the roofs for more sleeping space. Prewar homes weren’t built to house as many people as their little settlement attracted. Secretly, Nate was happy that the wall project was stalled. They had enough turrets to offer adequate protection and he liked being able to look out into the woods and lake. It was beautiful. Nate could see Preston make his way towards the group.

“General,” he said in greeting.

“Preston, did you hold down the fort while I was gone?”

He nodded. “Nothing to report.”

“Wonderful, just what I like to hear.” Nate put a hand on his shoulder, it was the first time his hand had been removed from Hancock’s the whole trip back. “I rest easy knowing everything is in your capable hands.”

“And I sleep better knowing you’re back in case something serious happens.” He looked over the group and noted, “You look roughed up, something happen?”

“Raiders,” Nate said with disgust. “Jumped us on the way back, by the river.”

“They had explosives,” Hancock added. “Lots of explosives.”

“Think they are a threat?” He asked worriedly.

Nate shook his head. “Unless they can figure out how to reanimate the dead, we should be good.” He gestured at his house and said, “If you’ll excuse us, I want to clean up and rest a bit. Meet you back around dinner?”

“Sounds good, you take care.”

Hancock grasped his hand as they stepped away. He was being way more clingy than normal. Nick headed up the stairs to his part of the house. Nate had built him his own room and living quarters on top of his house. He and Hancock shared the bottom half. He hated keeping Nick from his office and life in Diamond City, but sometimes he needed the support of his friend. Since Nick often found himself staying in Sanctuary Nate wanted to make sure he had a comfortable and private place. He was only a ladder climb away, but it was enough to give them all some space. Space that Nate was going to have confront Hancock about.

He pushed the door open and wearily set down the remains of his one bag. “I’m going to shower first,” he said, “If you don’t mind.” Nate pressed a small button and heard the hum of a generator start up.

“Sure,” Hancock said and proceeded to follow him into the bathroom.

Nate stopped him and put a hand on his chest. “I mean alone.”

“We’ve showered together before, shit we’ve had sex, you ain’t got nothing I haven’t seen.”

He prayed his face hadn’t gone as pale as he thought it did. “I just, need some space you know? I want to reflect on what happened yesterday, move on.”

Hancock was reluctant to step back but he did, and took a seat on one of the ragged couches. He picked up a comic off of the nearby table and started to flip through it. Nate shut the door behind him and started to undress, he undid his armor and slipped out of his undershirt and pants. He took off the Pip-Boy and opened the door. “Hey Hancock, catch,” he said and tossed the portable computer to him.

The ghoul caught it and started messing with the dials. “Don’t be too mad when I beat all your high scores.”

“I’m not going to be gone that long,” Nate said with a laugh.

He stepped back into the bathroom and closed the door. Repairing the bathrooms in Sanctuary had been quite the ordeal. It had taken months to renovate half the house and they still had the other half to go. Surprisingly Nate had discovered that lots of the Commonwealth had running water after the war. He would have assumed that years of neglect and the destructive bombs would rendered the plumbing useless.

Sturges said it wouldn’t be easy, and he was right, but they did get working toilets and sinks in a few of the houses. The hardest part was taking a small group of brahmin pulling carts into the more industrial area to raid an abandoned home improvement store for the toilets and sinks. Sure the water ran like shit for a few weeks, but eventually it cleared out. The only thing they didn’t have hooked up were the showers. Instead Nate had suggested that they build tanks on the roofs and have those feed into the shower heads. The tanks had to be filled by hand, but they were working on rain collectors and funnels to save even more water.

Nate’s house in particular was the major test subject for anything new. Right now they were working on an external water heater. If it worked on Nate’s house they’d start to update the others. At the moment they had a small generator hooked up near the tank that when flipped on would heat the tank. It had been working well and the warm water was very welcome after a long day. Unfortunately the days of long showers and getting lost in thought under the pounding water were long gone. His tank was larger than others but even that only granted him a shower of a few minutes. If Hancock wanted to use it after him he had to be quick.

Along with replacing the toilets and sinks they also tried to outfit every house with a mirror or two. Nate stared at his reflection before he sighed and started to remove the bandages. Now with a proper light source he could see clearly what was happening to him.

His neck was red, like it had a rash, but it didn’t itch, it looked more like it was raw. It hurt, he wasn’t sure why either. Maybe it was pain leftover from mutating, or maybe it was from the bandages rubbing against the sensitive parts, or maybe if they dried out they hurt? He hadn’t a clue. They still moved when he thought about moving them. He could get them to flare out and open and close. When he wasn’t thinking about them they sat flush to the side of his neck. He figured that maybe if they stayed that way they would be less noticeable and he might still pass for human, just with strange scars on his neck.

For now, he’d keep them covered. He didn’t want to risk anything.

He stepped into the shower and felt relief as the water washed over him. It was pleasantly warm and he relaxed and began scrubbing down. Blood and dirt swirled down the drain while he worked. Nate told Hancock that he needed time to process what happened yesterday, which was partially true. He was still unnerved about how close he came to dying. The wasteland wasn’t a gentle place, that was well known. They risked death every time they left the protection of the settlement. But people needed help and they weren’t going to sit back fearing what might happen.

Death was a part of life. They were linked and danced with each other frequently. Nate always thought he’d be ready when his time came, that he had come to peace with the fact that his life could be over at any moment. But yesterday just proved that deep down he wanted to do so much more, and that dying now was something he was not ok with. He was going to be even more careful each time he had to leave safety. He didn’t want to scare his friends again either. Knowing the fact that Hancock had spent a whole day in that freezing river searching for him weighed heavy on his heart. Never again, he didn’t want them to worry like that again. 

He tilted his head forward and let water pour through his hair and wash out the grime, then flushed his gills with clean water and shut the shower off. They stung a bit, but nothing too bad or abnormal feeling.

In a few more moments he emerged from the bathroom clean and with replacement bandages around his neck. “Beat my high score?” He asked casually and flopped down next to Hancock.

“No,” he said not looking up from the Pip-Boy. “How do you get a score that high? You cheat?”

“It’s called skill,” he laughed. “I’m actually surprised, your reflexes are way better than mine, games should be easy.”

“Reflexes apparently aren’t all I need,” he said. “Well, if the water heater’s still on, guess I better go clean up too…not that I need to, spent most of yesterday taking an extended bath.”

“Sorry, Hancock, really. For what it’s worth, I’m grateful you cared so much about finding my body. Most people would have just left it.”

“Yeah well, you’re something special Trouble, can’t go leaving you behind.”

Nate returned the Pip-Boy to his wrist, where its familiar weight was a comfort. He didn’t know why he still wore it, sure it was useful to have a portable holotape player, but it wasn’t something he needed. He didn’t really need the map to travel anymore and it’s only real function was keeping tabs on all the projects he had running at the different settlements. All things he could do with a pencil and piece of paper.

He played around a bit with a few of the games but decided to just close his eyes and rest a bit. Getting off his feet felt good and he needed this short break before he got back to work. Nate heard the water shut off and the door swing open. He cracked one eye open and saw Hancock stroll in with just his pants tied loosely around his waist.

Hancock didn’t say anything; he just sat down next to Nate. “Mmmm wet ghoul,” Nate chuckled.

“Hey,” he said moving over to straddle Nate. “I happen to know you love the smell of wet ghoul.”

“You kinda have to when you date one,” Nate replied with a smile.

Hancock pressed his forehead to Nate’s and was quiet for a while. The two just sat there in silence, listening to each other breathe. “So uh,” Hancock said softly. “You come to terms with yesterday?”

Nate took in a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering, “Yeah. Yeah, I did. You?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Almost dying…puts it all into perspective. I’m going to try to you know, cherish the time more, I think. I’m always off doing something, it’s like I can’t slow down. But I want to change, take it day by day and really enjoy the moments, and the people I’m with.”

Hancock nodded. “I thought I lost you, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Not even coming to terms with going ghoul could stand up to what I felt yesterday. And the truly scary part, is that I understand that it could be either of us that goes. You or me, we got equal chances of not living through to the next sunrise.” He felt Nate’s arm tighten around him. “I always thought we were invincible, that I was invincible, and that I could protect everything I loved. I’m not, we’re not. And I know that now.”

“Did you really spend all day looking for me?”

“I did, and I was prepared to search all of today too.”

Nate pressed a kiss to Hancock’s forehead. “You’re too good for me.”

“Me? Good? Nah that ain’t my style. You’re the one who came into Goodneighbor like a whirlwind. You were a breath of fresh air to that place, and hanging around you, seeing what you’ve built… it prompted me to change. I’m not good, that’s you, all I am is loyal.”

“That’s a bit of bullshit,” Nate said. “Why do you think I’ve hung around you for so long?”

“Mmmm, my charming good looks and overwhelming charisma?”

That got a laugh out of Nate who said, “Well, there was that and the fact I find you, the real you John, to be quite the amazing individual. You stood up for the ghouls of Diamond City even though a whole town was against you, you tried to help them in the wastes, then when you first started living in Goodneighbor you saw corruption and couldn’t stand by and watch another settlement be run by an asshole. You did something about it and even though your way of helping is a bit harsher than mine, it got the job done. You’re a good man, and you want to be even better. I can respect that.”

Hancock looked away, a bit of embarrassment flowing through him. “Nah, I still think it was my handsome mug.”

“You are handsome,” Nate said. “Come on, we should make some rounds, make sure no one needs anything.”

Hancock reluctantly got up and tossed a shirt on. Sometimes he felt too exposed when he wasn’t wearing his normal get up, but the coat and hat could be a bit much in the sun. He just didn’t like the way he was missing an identifier. You look at Nate and you see his strong jaw, the scar that runs from just above his right eye down to his throat, or the layers of dark hair that somehow stayed soft and fluffy despite the conditions of the wasteland. Nate has features, Hancock felt that without his clothes he was just another ghoul. Common folk could hardly tell which thin, wrinkled face belonged to which ghoul. Sure, his eyes were special, but from far away… he was just a nobody.

“It’s going to rain,” Nate said when the exited the house.

“What? It’s sunny, not a cloud in the sky, how can you tell?”

Nate shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said, “I’ve always been able to tell when it’s going to rain. We should be quick, we don’t need to take a second shower.” He climbed up the ladder to the very top of the house. He passed a window where he could see Nick busy writing something at his desk. Once at the top he checked the rain collectors to make sure they were free of debris and there were no holes. Then he rejoined Hancock on the ground. “We should tell everyone to check their water reservoirs. Now would be a good time to shower or drain some out for cooking before the rain so they can refill.”

Together they moved from house to house then out into the fields. The land between the water and the houses had been turned into a large field of crops. They grew everything from mutfruit to razorgrain. In the wider, deeper portion of the water Nate had assembled an army of water purifiers that they used to water the crops and provide the whole settlement with drinking water. The rest they bottled and sold to caravans in exchange for large shipments of wood and copper.

Hancock had to give the vault dweller major props, for a guy new to this world; he was one hell of a leader. He hadn’t just transformed Sanctuary Hills, it seemed that wherever he went he brought fresh ideas and ways to transform a small grouping of shacks into a grand settlement anyone would be jealous to live in. In fact, there was a waitlist to get into Sanctuary and the Outpost, two of his more established settlements.

The first few drops of water started to fall while they were heading back to their house. Nate grabbed Hancock’s wrist and they sprinted for the door just as it started to pour. “Made it,” Nate panted.

“Just in time.” Hancock moved back to the couch and sat down.

“Anything on the TV?” Nate asked, in the same joking tone that always accompanied that question.

“Hmm, let me check,” Hancock sat up and pushed the button. “Please stand by,” he reported.

“Boo, I’ve seen that one already,” Nate laughed and started to rummage through the fridge. The TV was a throwback to an era long gone; he didn’t know why he kept it around besides nostalgia. The fridge however, at least that served a purpose. “What do you want for dinner? There’s some leftover radstag and corn, we could heat that up.”

Hancock said, “Doesn’t matter to me Love, anything is fine.”

“Even radroach?”

He frowned. “No, I guess not anything. The only time that looks appetizing is when I’m starving.” Nate grabbed a small pan from a cupboard and put a bit of water in the base before emptying the leftovers into it and lighting the small stove. “Even then, it doesn’t look appetizing.”

“Ok, dinner will be ready shortly,” he said brightly and sat down next to Hancock. “Got anything you want to do tonight?”

Hancock shrugged and pushed Nate back onto the couch. “Not really,” he said and rested his head on Nate’s chest. “Rainy days are pretty boring; I usually pass them with a bit of recreational chem use, but…” He trailed off.

“I know, thanks by the way. I know it’s not easy to give something like that up.”

“Damn right it ain’t, but I’ll do it for you.” Hancock knew he didn’t have to stop taking chems, but Nate had opened up to him once while they were out beneath the stars. He said that back in the day they liberally used psycho and jet on the soldiers, made them more angry, better shots, and less likely to question orders. It really fucked Nate up. Now he didn’t touch the stuff. It was a miracle he used stimpaks. So to make him more comfortable Hancock said he’d try to go clean, which was a bitch.

Nate draped an arm over Hancock and just listened to the rain pounding the ground outside. Both were too lost in thought to hear the footsteps descending from the left. “Hey, uh, hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Nick said as he stepped into the main living room. He saw them laying on the couch and took a step back towards the door. “I can go, if you want, but with this rain… it’d be nice to have some company.”

They both sat up and Nate motioned for Nick to come inside. “No, no, it’s no trouble. We were just trying to figure out what to do for the rest of the night. Besides, you’re always welcome Nick, you know that.”

Their friend sat down on the chair opposite the couch and at Nate’s request started to tell the story about the group of raiders he scared off by pretending to initiate a self-destruct.

\---

His gills were getting harder to hide. Much to Nate’s displeasure they hadn’t stopped growing and now stuck out several inches if he flared them. Though nobody said it outright, he could tell that they were begging to grow suspicious of his choice in neckwear. From scarves to bandages and high collars people were begging to question. He tried to say it was a new style he was trying out, or say he was injured again, but with the high heat, nobody seemed to believe him.

MacCready was convinced he had been drunk and gotten a horrible tattoo the last time he was in Diamond City. The others knew something was up but they didn’t push. Sometimes though, he could feel their eyes on his back. To make matters worse they didn’t stay the same fleshy pink color they had been when he first got them.

When he unwrapped the bandages one night to shower he noticed that the tops had started to turn a greenish blue hue. At first he thought it was a fungus or something, from being wrapped up so much. But when he got closer to the mirror to examine them they were perfectly healthy. He wouldn’t call it scales, but the skin felt different, rougher, especially in the areas of color. He frowned, the contrast between the blue green of the skin and the red feathered gill portion stood out far too much for his liking.

Before he could pass for normal at a distance, now he knew for sure people would be able to tell. The mottled blue and green pigments hadn’t wrapped all the way around his neck, they dotted off near the front of throat, leaving the space under his jaw and chin the same familiar pale color. He glanced behind him in the mirror and noticed the same thing with the back of his neck, the color seemed to stay around the side, where his gills were and taper off the further from the slits they went. He wasn’t entirely sure how far it would spread though; he prayed his whole body wouldn’t become blueish green. It was bad enough he had gills to begin with; he didn’t want to add the green skin associated with super mutants to his list of problems.

“Maybe I should see a doctor…” Nate murmured to his reflection. But he wasn’t sure just who to go to. Curie was definitely an option. He trusted her, but she was excitable and as new to this world as he was. Even worse was the fact that she tended to get very excited about any new discoveries. She could easily spill his secret to the whole community on accident. He thought about paying off a traveling doctor, caps could seal a lot of lips, and if the doctor was part of a moving caravan chances were low that he’d ever meet them again. However, caravan doctors aren’t always the most knowledgeable, shit most doctors in this time paled in comparison to what he was used to.

Quality typically came with a price and publicity, neither of which Nate wanted to gamble with.

A sharp knock at the door jolted him out of his thoughts. “Hey, you die in there? I need to piss awful bad,” Hancock said from the other side of the door.

“Yes, I’m clearly dead, consumed by the toilet,” Nate said while toweling off the rest of his body. “Give me a second, I’m almost done.”

He saw the knob turn and Hancock laughed, “Well if you’re a ghost you won’t mind if I take a leak then right?” Panic briefly took over Nate and he rushed to shut the door. “What the hell Nate? You suddenly get shy?”

“N-No I’m just-“

“Come to think of it, you haven’t let me see you naked in a while…Something wrong?” His tone went from annoyed to concerned in an instant. “You can talk to me, you know that right?”

Nate leaned against the door and tried to control his breathing. “I know, I know. Its fine, I’m fine, just give me a moment.”

Hancock pressed his head to the door with a slightly audible thump. “You know I can call bullshit when I see it right? Cuz I’m going to call bullshit. You aren’t fine, Nate. Are you hurt? Is it from those gunners a week back? I know you took a lot of bullets.”

“No, Hancock really I’m-“

Hancock cut him off sharply. “Don’t lie to me. Damn it, Nate, you don’t have to tell me, just don’t lie to me.”

He was silent before he said, “Sorry.”

“What’s up with you? You’re distant…”

“Sorry,” he repeated.

Hancock sighed and stepped away from the door. “I know something’s wrong Love, just wish you’d let me know what. It’d save me a lot of worrying.”

Nate almost said sorry again, but he knew that wouldn’t help anything. “I… You’re right. There’s something that’s been bothering me but I… I need some time, ok? Will you give me that? Time?”

The ghoul nodded even though Nate couldn’t see it. If there was something that Hancock understood fully it was body issues. He’d struggled with them for a lot of years, hell he was still struggling now. So if Nate needed some time to work something out, he’d back off and give it to him. “You know you’re beautiful right? Perfect, and ain’t nothing gonna change that fact, not to me.”

“Thanks, I’ll be out in a second.” Nate stepped away from the door. He trusted Hancock to keep his word. Quickly he threw on his pants and shirt and started tying the bandages around his neck. He had been getting faster and faster as it became a daily routine. Moments later he stepped out of the bathroom and made eye contact with Hancock. “All yours,” he said.

Hancock moved past him but paused to give him a quick kiss. “We’ll get through this, whatever it is.”

Nate nodded, but deep down he didn’t know if he fully agreed.

\---

Water had started to become a problem. For the first few weeks after his accident he’d managed to stay away, but then there were moments where he couldn’t run away. Like when a brahmin bolted into the water and panicked, or when the supports on the bridge needed to be looked at, or, as was the case right now, a water purifier was found broken. Sturges was out of the settlement; he had to check on the new generators in Jamaica Plain. That left him as the resident handy man on call.

It wasn’t the water that scared him. It wasn’t even the memories that were associated with almost drowning. It was that whenever he stepped into the water he felt a great urge to submerge himself and never come out. Nate couldn’t explain it, the almost euphoric feeling of breathing underwater. His body craved the near weightlessness of swimming and he tried to avoid it as much as possible.

He glanced around nervously and noted that no one was near. He stripped down to a pair of shorts and quickly unwrapped his neck. His feet hardly touched the water before he dove in. His gills flared out and he greedily basked in the feeling he could only describe as pure pleasure. Nate swam large circles around the water purifiers he had built. Momentarily he had forgotten that he had come to the shore to fix one of them. He was lost in the feeling of gliding through the water.

Eventually he did break the surface and trudge back to land to grab a toolbox. Still, nobody seemed to be around. After he dragged the box down with him he started to work on the broken parts. It wasn’t hard work, a set of screws had rusted shut and needed to be forcibly removed so he could get at a side panel and replace it. Every once in a while he remembered to kick back to the surface to mimic taking breaths, just in case someone did happen to notice he was in the water. He didn’t want a panicked settler to sound the alarm and have everyone try to save him.

With the new panel in place and fresh screws replacing the old ones he figured he should wade to shore, but he didn’t. He just sat on the bottom, unwilling to get out. He let his mind wander underwater. It was quiet and peaceful and the only company he had were a few passing fish. In all his time up above ground out of the vault he had yet to see anyone eat the fish. His coastal settlements never seemed to have any in their stores and even the few fishing poles he found lying around hadn’t been touched in years. In his day people were worried about how much mercury and other pollutants that fish absorbed. There were warnings telling children, the elderly, and pregnant women how much fish they could safely consume per week. This was all before the world was drenched in nuclear fallout. He shuddered to think about how much radiation they absorbed. The fish should have been growing legs and walking on land, not the other way around.

The subtle shift in light was what brought him out of his thoughts. The water had grown quite dark and he had to fumble around to find the toolbox. He surfaced to find it nearly dark. “Shit,” he muttered and swam to shore to towel off and put his clothes back on. There were one or two settlers walking around the garden but they didn’t seem to pay him any mind. Why should they?

After everything was well hidden he wandered back to the main street and to his house. People were lighting candles, lamps and turning on lights all over. Soon Sanctuary would be a tiny glowing beacon of hope and survival in the wastes. He was very proud. Preston stopped him to ask about his day and how the repairs were coming. The sun was completely down by the time he opened the door to his house and set his things down.

“Where were you?” Hancock asked from a chair. He had a book in his hands and his eyes were lifted from the pages to stare at his partner.

“The water purifier was broken, I had to fix it.”

The skin above one of Hancock’s eyes rose. If he had eyebrows they’d be arched. “Really? You left to do that in the morning. You telling me it took all day?”

“Yeah.” Nate shrugged. “It was a hard fix, it’s done though. Preston stopped me on the way back, you know how he likes to talk.”

“It’s real funny you mention that,” Hancock said. “Because I talked to him too and he said he couldn’t see anyone down at the purifiers.”

“Well that’s where I was,” Nate replied, irritation leaking into his voice. “You don’t believe me?”

“No, not really.”

“What?”

“I said I don’t buy what you’re selling me,” Hancock said smoothly. “You’re a smart guy Nate, I know it doesn’t take a whole day to do repairs on one purifier. I’ve seen you build whole turrets in an afternoon.” He looked him directly in the eyes. “I believe you were at the purifiers, I also believe you fixed them, because I know you, and you never let a settlement down. But I don’t believe it took you all damn day and I sure as hell know you were up to something else.”

Nate shifted from foot to foot, part of him was angry at Hancock for not believing him, the other was impressed that he knew he was lying. “Look, say what you want, but my hairs still wet. Clearly I just got back.”

“Or you stuck your head in a brahmin trough,” he argued back.

“I can’t believe you don’t believe me.”

“I can’t believe you thought you could lie to me.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Like hell you’re not! You can’t con me; did you forget where I came from? I told you my whole fucking origin story. You know who’s really good at seeing lies? Someone who lies to himself all damn day.”

Nate turned his back on Hancock and went to his room; he was done with this conversation. Running away wasn’t the most mature way to end an argument but he was impatient and just wanted to be back under the waves drifting away. His head hurt and he stumbled to the bed and collapsed into it. Hours later he was vaguely aware of someone throwing a blanket over him and climbing in next to him. The scent told him it was Hancock, only he smelled so unique.

“I know you’re sleeping Nate, but…” He heard Hancock speak quietly. “What’s wrong with you?” Nate felt a hand run through his hair. “Stop pushing me away Love… It’s hurting us both. Can’t you tell?” With that question hanging unanswered in the air Hancock slipped the rest of the way under the covers and gently wrapped an arm around him pulling him close.

Guilt flooded through Nate. He never meant to hurt anyone, but that’s what was happening wasn’t it? He buried his face into his pillow and tried to relax into Hancock’s embrace. This wasn’t what he wanted.

Later that night he woke up needing to pee. He broke free of his husband’s hold and stumbled into the bathroom. He was partially to the toilet when something caught his eye. He almost yelped at the sudden sight of green glow in the small bathroom. His first sleep muddled thoughts were that a glowing radroach had somehow crawled into their house while they were sleeping.

But after a few seconds he realized that simply wasn’t the case. The glow was coming from his own reflection in the mirror. “Oh no,” he murmured. The need to pee was suddenly forgotten. He shut the door and carefully undid the bandages exposing his gills again. Over the past few days the skin around his gills had gone from a mottled blue green color to a deep blue with green flecks and splotches. Now it appeared that those green flecks were glowing.

His whole neck was giving off the same slight glow he saw in glowing beasts and the glowing ones. He paced the small room and tried to figure out what to do. Eventually he ended up relieving himself and stared at his reflection in the darkness. He wasn’t sure what had triggered this new change. Was it the water? Did that have to do with it? Had he been glowing for days? He didn’t know. He bit down on his lip and picked up the wraps again and did a double layer, but the glow still seeped through the fabric. “Shit,” he whispered. He couldn’t risk going back to bed, not if he couldn’t hide the illumination. He opened the door to the bathroom and ran into the living room, then out the door and down the quiet, dark streets of Sanctuary.

Hancock had heard the front door close and he felt the cold side of the now half empty bed.

Nate started spending his nights at the Red Rocket. It had a bed, a roof, limited security, but most importantly, no one else stayed there. Originally he had used it as a trading outpost but then he finished the large trading center and inn at Sanctuary and he spread the news to the traveling caravans. They started to bypass the Red Rocket and head straight into town. It added a bit of spice to their otherwise boring little settlement. It also left the Red Rocket a virtual ghost town.

The glow around his neck seemed to be in cycle with the sun. When it was bright outside his gills remained normal, but when it got dark they lit up. He still hadn’t managed to find a way to block the glow out completely and left his pip boy light on whenever he was stopped by someone on his way out of town. The green glow of the computer screen helped cover up any light escaping from the wraps.

He was getting frustrated and depressed as the days went on. Nate hated sneaking off like some monster, and he never got a decent night sleep alone. For the more recent trips he started bringing Dogmeat. Having him by his side was better than nothing, and the dog couldn’t ruin his secret.

He’d sit by the fire with Dogmeat resting his head on his lap. His hands would absentmindedly run through his thick fur while his mind ran itself into exhaustion. The dog would whine and bark nervously when he caught sight of Nate’s eyes go blank. He’d snap the man back into reality and gently tug his sleeve. First he always tried to pull him towards Sanctuary, even the dog knew that he shouldn’t be alone, but Nate always resisted and instead the dog pulled him towards the bed in the back room. Dogmeat would jump up on the dirty mattress and wait patiently for Nate to join him.

The dog was warm, but it wasn’t the same as having Hancock next to him.

This new routine became normalized and soon none seemed to question where Nate was going when they saw him cross the bridge every evening. Nobody wanted to say it, but they all assumed that he and Hancock had had a falling out. But if that was the case, why hadn’t the ghoul just gone back to Goodneighbor? Perhaps this was just a rough patch and they were trying to work through it? In the end, it didn’t matter because Nate still kept them safe, and their settlement running. His personal life wasn’t any of their concern.

Nick had a habit of watching his friends, he didn’t do it because he disrespected privacy, he did it because he couldn’t stop himself. Partially he blamed this behavior on his detective side, but that was childish, there was no one to blame but himself and his overwhelming desire to make sure his friends were safe.

He didn’t sleep, he couldn’t sleep, he wasn’t programed for that. So he was awake and observant of the settlement as a whole, most nights. Sometimes he read, mostly he watched the window or walked the streets. Nick saw Nate run from the house that first night. He also saw Hancock stumble to the door and wait. He was the one who walked down the stairs and forced the ghoul to back to sleep. He was the one who was there without answers to the questions his friend asked.

It was baffling. Most of the time Nate seemed just fine, like nothing was wrong. He would smile, and help out anyone who needed it. He’d lead missions to clear out raider camps and expeditions to collect more resources. He’d take MacCready or Preston out on extermination missions and come back with a new stash of pillows or food. Nick would see him greet Hancock with an embrace and kiss that just left the other confused. Neither of them could figure out why he was being selectively distant. When pressed about it he wouldn’t answer. He dodged questions like Cait dodged punches and even Nick was getting annoyed at his mood swings.

Eventually Nate was going to hit a breaking point, and Nick wasn’t sure if he wanted to be there when it happened.

\---

“We need to talk.” Hancock’s words were sharp and sudden when Nate entered the door to his room. It was midday and he wasn’t expecting anyone to be in there.

“Yeah, sure, is everything ok?”

“Is everything… No! No everything is not ok.” Hancock seemed more than surprised that Nate had even asked. He swallowed, finding his mouth gone dry. “Listen, I think it’s time you took these back.” Hancock walked over and placed something in Nate’s hands.

When Nate opened them he questioned, “My dog tags? Hancock…I said you could keep holding on to them.”

“Yeah, well I said I think it’s time you took them back, and everything else on that chain.” He watched confusion spread across Nate’s face when saw the accompanying ring. “And I think it’s time I left.”

Nate squeezed the metal in his hand and looked up. “What? Why? Hancock I don’t…I don’t understand.”

He laughed gruffly and reached for his bag, already packed with his possessions. When he turned around he knew he couldn’t hide the hurt in his features. “We had a good run, honestly I’m happy we lasted this long…but it’s clear I’m doing something wrong. It’s because I’m a ghoul isn’t it?” When he got no answer he pressed on. “You tried, I know you did, it’s ok. But I can take a hint.”

“Hancock no, that’s not it-“

“Isn’t it? It’s got to be me, because I sure as hell don’t know what else it could be!” His voice rose slightly and he hated it. He wanted to stay calm during this; he didn’t want to get mad. “You avoid me, we don’t sleep together, we haven’t been intimate in weeks, and you hardly meet my eyes anymore. Not to mention the lies, how you leave me here in Sanctuary and run off with anyone one else, shit you even sneak out of town every goddamn night. I don’t know what you’re doing, but it’s pretty clear you don’t want me in the picture.” He pressed past Nate but was stopped when Nate grabbed his arm. “Let go Nate, I don’t want to break your arm.” When Nate didn’t he let out a low growl, one he knew freaked Nate out the most. “Listen, I’m only here because we had something. In case you forgot, I have a town that I could be running.”

“Please don’t go,” Nate said quietly. “Please.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because you’re wrong,” he said.

When Hancock turned to look at Nate he knew he wouldn’t be leaving through that door. His partner’s face was a picture of pain and loss. “Shit,” he sighed and sat down on the bed. “Explain, now.”

Nate stumbled over to the bed and crawled over to where Hancock was. He pressed his head into his back and started talking. “It’s not you, god it’s not you. It’s never been you. It’s me and I’m sorry. I’ve never, ever, once thought ill of you. I’ve never thought any different of you, ghoul or human it doesn’t matter. You’re not the problem, I am.”

“Well, it still doesn’t change the fact that we have a problem.”

Nate gripped Hancock harder. “We’re not going to have a problem because…” He took a deep breath. “Because I’m going to come clean, ok?”

“Come clean? So you have been fucking someone else?” Hancock’s heart dropped slightly. He knew they had their disagreements but he never wanted to believe something like this would happen.

“No! No, that’s not what I’ve been doing. Shit, how could you think that?”

“You haven’t really given me many options. Either you finally got some sense knocked into you and you’re repulsed by dating a ghoul, or you’ve been running off to someone else’s bed.”

Nate took a deep breath before he continued. He removed his face from Hancock’s skin and started to shakily remove the bandages around his neck. “Well that’s not what has been happening. I’ve got…something to show you. Do you remember the accident, by the river?” Hancock nodded but he still hadn’t turned around. “I lied when I said I was just washed to shore downstream. I…I drowned.”

Hancock let out a short laugh. “Is that so? So what has this been? I didn’t exactly go hard on the chems, this isn’t some drug induced hallucination. Has the whole town been taking pity on me for talking to a husband that wasn’t there? Come on Nate, you expect me to believe you drowned?”

“Y-Yes.” Nate replied. “Because something happened when I passed out that I can’t explain.” His fingers faltered on the wraps as he said, “I mutated under the waves…”

“You what?” Hancock finally turned around to look at Nate, and what he saw was more than a surprise. “Wha…”

“I drowned and when I woke up I had these…the water was full of rads and I don’t know what happened but now I have gills and they never went away and I tried to hide them but obviously that didn’t work and I just panicked and pushed people away because I’m a freak and I don’t deserve you or Nick or Preston I should have just let you walk out that door but I didn’t because I wanted you to know that it wasn’t you it’s me and-“

Hancock cut off his rambling sentence with a gentle touch to his cheek. “Nate, Love, shut up for a second.” Nate buried his face in his hands and started to sob quietly. Hancock watched as the blue green structures on Nate’s neck moved in and out with his crying. He wasn’t faking this and suddenly a lot of things started making a whole lot of sense. “So this is why you’ve kept your neck covered?”

Nate nodded.

“I’m sorry,” Hancock said.

Nate glanced up at him, his eyes red from the tears. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry! I made you think I didn’t love you anymore! I made you think you were to blame, but it’s been me the whole time.”

Hancock reached out and gripped Nate’s hand firmly. “I’m…I’m hurt that you thought you couldn’t trust me with this, that you wouldn’t tell me. But I understand, ok? Being a fellow walking rad freak I know where you were coming from.” He leaned in and pressed his forehead to Nates. With a chuckle he said, “But honestly you should know you got nothing to fear from me. I’m yours Love.”

“You almost weren’t,” Nate mumbled.

“Yeah well, that’s a bit of both of faults ain’t it?” He waited a few breaths before continuing. “I was ready to believe you didn’t love me, shit I even thought you were cheating on me. I should have known you weren’t the type to do that. Instead of blowing up at you I should have tried to be calmer.”

“And I shouldn’t have hid this for as long as I did,” Nate said.

“Why did you?”

“I was scared,” Nate replied. “Those raiders I ran into after crawling out of the river, they wanted to capture me and display me like a sideshow attraction. I was afraid that others would think the same. I’ve seen how they treat ghouls and super mutants. Anything remotely non-human gets the boot in a lot of places. Having gills growing from my neck sure doesn’t sound very human.”

And Hancock got that. He understood. Nate had spent most of his life in a world that was much kinder, and free of this shit. During his time here he’s had to adjust and learn everything from scratch. Of course what he’d absorbed would tell him to hide if he was different. Telling him about the ghouls in Diamond City, and being his traveling companion didn’t help. Nate had heard every little comment and insult directed at him for being a ghoul. Of course he’d be scared of getting the same treatment. “I feel ya brother, you don’t have to explain to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Nate said again. “I should have told you sooner, I trust you, I love you…but I didn’t.”

“You were scared, plain and simple. We all do dumb shit when we’re scared. What matters is that you told me, and we can move forward from here.”

“So you’re not going to leave?”

Hancock shook his head. “No, of course not. I shouldn’t have suggested it in the first place.”

“You thought I didn’t love you, you had reason enough.” Nate put his head back in his hands. “I’m so sorry I did that to you. I pushed you away…”

“Hey, stop it. I accept your apology ok?” He pulled Nate’s hands away. “What’s done is done. Forget about it.” When he saw Nate smile he asked, “Why did you stop sleeping near me? If it’s not because I’m a ghoul then what?”

Nate fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “Uh, see the um…green flecks in the blue?” Hancock nodded. “Those uh, those glow in the dark. It’s kinda bright, you can see it through the wraps. I didn’t want you do see that, so I stopped sleeping near anyone.”

“Can I touch em?”

Nate said, “Yeah, just the tops, don’t touch the red fleshy bits.”

Ever so gently Hancock reached out and ran a hand down Nate’s neck. His partner’s smooth skin was rougher under his touch. It didn’t feel like ghoul skin, he didn’t know what to make of it. He lifted his hand away and placed it on Nate’s jaw. “You’re still beautiful,” Hancock said. 

“I knew you’d say that,” Nate said, holding back tears. This time they were from relief and not shame. “Sap.”

“So, can you breathe underwater? Is that how you lived?”

Nate nodded. “It’s really weird; it’s not something I can explain. It just happens. I dive underwater and my lungs just know not to breathe.” He grabbed hold of both of Hancock’s hands so that he wouldn’t clutch his own face in embarrassment. “It’s addicting,” he admitted. “Being underwater. I can’t help myself, when I’m down there I just want to stay forever and never come back up. I don’t know why and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“Well that explains the long absences now doesn’t it?” He made sure to squeeze Nate’s hands and let him know he wasn’t going to run away. “This settlement is surrounded by water, the temptation must be something awful.”

“Yeah…” He trailed off. “You don’t think there’s something wrong with me? Not even a little?”

“If you’re asking if I think you’re a freak, no, I don’t. Radiation does a number on a person, just be glad you came out of it with fancy gills and didn’t end up like me, or worse.”

“If I came out a ghoul at least we’d know what was wrong.”

“There ain’t anything wrong with you,” Hancock said. “Now then, do you want to spend a few weeks in Goodneighbor?”

“What? Why?”

“Well, my bags are already packed and there’s no open water in my town. It might help you sort yourself out.”

Nate thought about it for a few moments. “It has been a while since I got to talk with Daisy.”

“I’m sure she’d be more than willing to listen to you ramble, provided you trade a few things with her first.” Hancock gently touched Nate’s gills again. “I know my office isn’t the most private of places, and the couch is a downgrade from our bed here, but we can shut the doors no one will bother us. You’d be safe to you know… be yourself.”

“Yeah thanks… I uh, I might have told you but…”

“You don’t want the others to know?” Hancock guessed.

“Not right now,” Nate said. “Let’s just take this one step at a time.”

There was a sharp knock on the doorframe and both their eyes flew to the doorway. “Hey, you two alright? I know things have been rough and I heard shouting…”

Without thinking Hancock pounced on Nate, knocking him onto the bed and threw his arms around his neck to hide his gills. “Nick don’t you think some privacy would be nice?”

Nate just laughed softly and pressed a quick kiss to Hancock’s jaw. “I don’t think Nick counts as an “other”.”

“So you want to tell him?”

“Tell me what?”

Hancock sat up with Nate, his arms still around his neck protectively in case he changed his mind. Nate spoke before separating himself from his husband. “During that accident I had, down by the river, something happened to me that I never told you.” It was hard reading Nick’s expression but he continued on. “I only just told Hancock, and he’s the only other person who knows, but I encountered a lot of rads in the water…and they did something to me.”

When Hancock moved aside Nick could see Nate fully. “Well…there’s something you don’t see every day.”

Hancock put an arm around Nate’s shoulder and pulled him close. “Our friend here has gills, ain’t that something?”

“It certainly is kid.” Nick approached the pair on the bed and sat down next to them. “So that’s why you’ve been covering your neck constantly. You were hiding those. Certainly explains how you survived your little river ride.”

“I should have told you both sooner, shit I should have said something that night, by the fire. But I was afraid.”

“Afraid?” Nick said. “Of us?” He laughed softly, a smile tugging at his lips. “Kid you travel with a prototype synth and a ghoul; you couldn’t find two people more understanding than us.”

“I know, I know, Hancock said something similar, but fear is fear, you can’t reason with it.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Hancock said.

Nick asked, “So what now? Are you going to keep hiding?”

“Probably. I’m not sure I’m ready to face everyone. It’s one thing to be a ghoul, or a synth, people know what those are…but me? I’m something new. The people of the Commonwealth don’t exactly react fondly to new.”

“Well whatever you decide, you have my support,” Nick said.

“Thanks. Hancock was talking about heading to Goodneighbor for bit; I was going to tag along with him. You’re welcome to stay here in Sanctuary while we’re out, but you don’t have to. I know you must be itching to get back to your home in Diamond City.”

“Home is where your friends are,” Nick said. “But I do need to check on Ellie and the agency, make sure nothing major has come up.”

Exhaustion suddenly flooded through Nate and he slumped against Hancock. “After finally coming out and saying all this, I’m exhausted. We’ll leave for Goodneighbor in the morning. Right now I just want to spend some time with Hancock, preferably not doing anything.”

“So you two are good?” Nick asked.

“Yeah,” Nate smiled, “we’re good.” He was so relieved to say that out loud. It wasn’t a lie and it wasn’t forced. They were good and they were going to stay good. “This whole secret keeping idiocy of mine almost ruined the best thing that’s happened to me. But we’re going to fix it.” He quickly added in correction, “I’m going to fix it.” He looked at Hancock who still had his arm around him and a dopy grin on his face. Nate knew that the trust between would have to be earned back, he had lied multiple times, straight to his face, and that’s not something you forget, even if there was an excuse.

Hancock chuckled and said, “It ain’t like I’m all that hard to please.” But he knew, like Nate, that there was a breach of trust between them. Nothing they couldn’t come back from, but it was something they had to work on. They’d have to promise to be more open from here on out, even if it’s something scary. But those were conversations and promises to be made in private.

“Alright, I’ll leave you two be. Come find me when you want to head out. I’ll travel with you till Diamond City, then we’ll branch off. I expect I’ll have about a week’s worth of business to take care of, that ok with you?”

“Perfect,” Nate said. “I think a week away from Sanctuary will be good for me.”

“Hey,” Hancock added, “if he gets bored we can toss him into Swan’s Pond and see if they get along.”

Nate flared his gills. “You will absolutely not throw me in there with that thing.” After a moment of silence he said, “We really should send an extermination team to get rid of it. We know it’s there and it hasn’t moved…”

“That’s a battle plan for another day Trouble, lets focus on the now.”

“Hancock’s right. You’ve got a lot to deal with as it stands, let’s not add more to your plate.” Nick stood up and headed to the door. “I’ll be upstairs if you need anything.”

“Thanks Nick, for understanding.”

“You accepted me without hesitation, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t return the gesture?”

Once they were alone, Nate fell back on the bed. “Well, that went over well,” he said to the ceiling. “I didn’t lose my husband or my best friend. I’m counting that as a win.”

Hancock flopped down next to him. “Did you really think we would leave you?”

“Yes and no. Mostly no but I couldn’t chance the yes. Do you have any idea how many times I would stare at my reflection and just sigh?”

“Probably a lot, if you were like me.”

“I’m still caught off guard sometimes and I’ve been like this for weeks.”

Hancock scooted closer. “Hey, even I forget sometimes that I’m a ghoul, and I’ve been one for years now. You’d think I’d remember…”

“You’re really, truly ok with this?”

“Of course, you know I am. Just don’t…just don’t go pulling this kind of stunt again. If something happens to you, tell me. If something is bothering you, tell me. No more hiding.”

“No more hiding,” Nate promised, and it was a promise he was going to keep. “Thanks for being awesome.”

Nate didn’t remember if they talked about anything else after that. They might have, but he would have been a tired incoherent mess. He woke up hours later to a grumbling stomach. Originally he only wanted to take a nap, but having a warm body next to him caused him to sleep far longer than he expected. He sat up and rubbed his eyes slowly. Hancock was already awake next to him, his eyes focused on a book. “Sleeping Beauty awakes,” he joked.

“Ugh, what time is it?”

“I dunno, not dark yet though. Feel like doing your normal rounds?”

Nate swung his legs off of the bed to stand and stretch. “Yeah, I’m for that. I should also let Preston know I’ll be leaving for a few weeks.”

Hancock could already tell that Nate was worried about Sanctuary for so long. His partner was already running a nervous hand through his hair and his eyes were getting lost in thought. He got up and wrapped Nate in his arms. “Sanctuary will be fine,” he murmured softly. “They’ve done just fine without you before.”

“I know…” He turned around and grabbed the long cloth wrap from the bed. “Give me a second to get ready.”

Hancock didn’t leave the room while Nate covered his gills. He wanted to watch. Something bothered him while he watched Nate cover his gills. “You shouldn’t have to do that Love.”

“It doesn’t hurt, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he replied while he secured the bandages in place. “It’s a lot safer this way,” Nate said, and the way he said it, so final, just made Hancock even more uncomfortable.

Hancock resumed his embrace. “It’s just…you’re you, and you’re perfect as you.”

“You hide your features sometimes when we go into Diamond City,” he pointed out.

“Well,” Hancock huffed, “that’s different. I do that to avoid unnecessary bullshit at the door.”

“It’s not different and you know it.” Nate tugged his arm and dragged him out of the house and into the cooling evening air. “Just let me be comfortable with me first, then we can push this further. Eventually I’ll slip up, or they’ll grow too big to hide, but right now…just let me deal with this.”

Preston wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of Nate taking a vacation in Goodneighbor. It wasn’t a secrete how most of the settlers and his own friends felt about that town. It also wasn’t a secret that the General of the Minutemen was in a committed relationship with the mayor of Goodneighbor. So even though it bothered them they had no choice but to let him go. It didn’t stop the few offhanded rude comments said in passing. Most of them weren’t even aware Nate or Hancock were around when they said such things. They both tried not to let it get to them, but after hearing it so often it did.

“Goodneighbor ain’t that bad,” Hancock grumbled as they made their way towards the water purifiers and the rest of the farming plots. “Sure, it’s a little rough around the edges, but it’s better than most places.”

Nate agreed. “I’ve never felt threatened there, but then again I’m capable of handling myself. Besides, Goodneighbor has some of the kindest people I’ve ever met, Daisy, Kent, the folks at the Memory Den, shit even Kleo has more charm than half the population of Diamond City.” He laughed, “It’s no Sanctuary Hills, but it feels like a home. You gotta have your head screwed on tight but…but you’re doing a good thing John. Making a home for those who wouldn’t have one…the ones who aren’t allowed in Diamond City and the people who just couldn’t cut it as a farmer out here. They have a place to go where they can get drunk or high and not have to worry about waking up dead.”

“I just… I guess I want it to be even more than that. I’ve been working really hard at making it something I can be even prouder of.”

“You’ll get there. It’s a fine safe haven. Just…lay off the stabbings at the front door.”

“Hey that was a one time show, I had someone to impress.” Hancock grinned and glanced over at Nate.

“I feel honored.” Nate led Hancock down to the water’s edge. “I think the purifiers will hold while I’m out. Sturges comes back later this week.”

Hancock watched him stare out over the water. “Hey, what are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” he said and was instantly elbowed. “Alright, I want to go for a swim, but I’m not sure it’s an appropriate time.”

Hancock looked around and didn’t see anyone. “Well shit, if you want to you should. Come on, you can show me how those things on your neck work.”

“No, no, I’ll be doing no such thing.” He said and turned his back on the water. “Come on, we should start dinner, I’m starving.”

“But if you want to-“ Hancock tried to argue.

“No,” he said again. “I already told you that sometimes my mind drifts too far when I’m in the water. I’d like to avoid that.”

“You won’t drift if I’m with you. I’ll make sure of it.”

Nate could tell he was trying to be supportive and didn’t want to shut him down completely. “Thanks, not now, but soon. Don’t worry we have lots of days left together.”

\---

That night Nate woke up and tried to catch his breath. He had one of his reoccurring dreams, the one where he watched his wife get shot through frosted glass. But when he pried the door open it wasn’t her lifeless body but Hancock’s.

“Hey, you ok?” Hancock’s gruff voice asked from his side.

“Yeah, bad dream,” he answered. When he turned to look at him he could see his face clearly, bathed in a soft green glow. He clasped a hand over his neck and tried to block out the light. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

“I’ve been up for a while, don’t worry about it.”

He hastily reached for the wrappings on the bedside table. “Sorry,” he apologized again. “I know your eyes are light sensitive and it must be hell trying to sleep next to me.”

Hancock’s hand rested gently on Nate’s arm. “Don’t bother, that’s not what was keeping me up.”

“Then what?”

“I just…I’m glad to have you back with me, that’s all. I’m hoping it’s not too creepy that I was watching you sleep.” Nate shook his head and smiled. Hancock ran a hand down Nate’s neck. “You’re beautiful,” he said softly.

“And you’re cheesy as hell.” Nate said and slid back down under the covers again.

Hancock grinned and propped his head up with one hand while watching Nate. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t mesmerized by the small green glowing flecks that dotted Nate’s skin. He wondered if they’d spread all over his body, like glowing freckles. “Hey,” he said quietly. Nate grunted a reply. “I know I call you Sunshine…but I think Starshine would appropriate too.”

“My god, go to bed,” he said threw a pillow at the ghoul’s face.

“Good night,” he said and pulled Nate close.

“Night,” Nate replied.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my first real fic for this fandom, and I'm not going to lie, it was supposed to be a hell of a lot shorter and I'm pretty sure the pacing fell out towards the end.  
> I added a lot more than I thought I was going to as I was typing, world building stuff in case I wanted to revisit this particular Sole Survivor.  
> Would anyone be interested in reading more adventures of Nate the gilled Sole Survivor?  
> Because I know I have a few more ideas of things they could do...  
> Like...perhaps an underwater vault?
> 
> Since I'm rather new to this particular fandom I'd like to know some thoughts. Comments would be lovely. I'm sure their voices are off, and I'm just going to have to work harder on that. Let me know what you thought. Please.  
> Thanks for reading!


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